I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
