How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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