sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
