i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
