why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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