This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
