He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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