Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
