She went from zero to smokin in five shots
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
