Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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