Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
