i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
