i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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