u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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