he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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