I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
