it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
