Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We just shotgunned beers for America
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
