i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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