sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
