His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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