There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
