I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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