Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
