so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Randomize
