so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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