As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
