Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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