I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
