One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
