Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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