Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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