I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
