Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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