last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
