Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
