You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
