those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
