guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
