Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Text me some of your sweat
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