I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
my sisters under your porch take her home
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Couch. On fire.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
