Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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