I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
