I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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