Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
