A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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