Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
