Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
