there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
