Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
