I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
