you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
