He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
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